Fighting the ennui

Compass

It’s been a month since I’ve updated this blog. With every week that went by, it became harder to write, and I became more and more unmotivated to do so. Until finally four weeks have gone by and I read a quote that triggered something in my brain that created enough of an impetus to tickle the plastic keyboard of my laptop.

My days are filled with meditating, job searching, not writing, Netflix watching, dating, friend visiting, pet/home caring. I’m occupied in a right kind of way, my time evenly dispensed and accounted for. The odd days I succumb to a certain kind of ennui (I hope I used the ‘e’ word correctly here—thanks Michel à la Gilmore Girls for my education) and I mope about the temporary home I have made for myself questioning my life and the actions I took to get me to this point.

I’m sometimes elated and exuberant. How blessed I am to have torn myself away from the shackles of my former desk job, moved to Europe to live a life that is all mine. To deepen my relationships with family and friends this side of the Atlantic.

I’m sometimes, like right now, feeling a bit aimless. I wake up with a drive to do stuff, check things off the running list in my head. I have purpose. But a purpose that seems to last for only a few hours while I get shit done (read: meditating, job searching, not writing, Netflix watching, dating, friend visiting, pet/home caring). As I start to lose focus, the worry and the panic starts to trickle in.

No me gusta.

And so I meditate. I breathe deeply and continuously, I breathe those fears away. I fight my doubts and worries off for yet another day.

Getting zen with it.

Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.

Walt Whitman

Heart

2 Comments

  1. January 7, 2018 / 10:22 AM

    You might run into ennui, but you are running into ennui in a different place. If it gets really bad, I say, take a walk. Choose a street you’ve never gone down before. It might not make a difference, but that word “might” is a powerful one.

    • Julia
      January 11, 2018 / 8:07 AM

      Thanks for your insightful comment, Anthony. Next time I’m in the throes of ennui, I will bear this in mind!

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