Crying the good cry: finding my way out of stuck

MeditateI learned something quite recently that I consider being of value. A very in-tune individual, let’s call her Emily, shared with me that there are two types of individuals: Manifestors and Generators.

The Manifestors are those individuals that go out into the world and make things happen. They manifest their successes, partners, jobs, material-what-have-yous. They inform before they take action.

The Generators are those that generate what it is they desire/want/need, they invite what it is they desire into their lives. They wait for something to inspire them to act.

Or at least, this is what I recall from our midday conversation.

I am a Manifestor. I shared that up until recently (recently being mayhaps the last year, maybe more) I’ve typically had people, jobs, things, events, drawn into my life that upon reflection I can see how I manifested them, both actively and passively. But it is in the now-times that I’m feeling so incredibly finding-it-hard-to-begin-my-day kind of stuck. Some might call it a mild depression. Some, like Emily, called it a whole lot more.

I feel stuck because I’m not honouring myself. I’m not trusting my calling or instincts and acting upon them. And, because of this, the ability to manifest—that energy—is not free flowing. It is stagnant.

I am no anomaly. As modern humans it’s become such a plight of ours: getting caught up in, and subscribing to, the 9 to 5,  educational institutions, marriage, etc. All the things we think we need to accomplish; that our family’s, friends, society instil in us that we must set out and do. And, like so many people, I did (some of) those things, and I am continuing to do (some of) those things (ahem, 9 to 5), but it’s not entirely because I want to, but rather because I feel I need to. Prior to graduating high school, I really didn’t want to go to university. I didn’t feel ready and I had a significant and very real internal not-so-nice feeling that I wasn’t ready and I shouldn’t go. I wanted to take a year off. But, I did not honour this feeling. I rationalized the crap out of it: nerves; overwhelming applications. Perhaps it was also good ol’ didn’t-have-a-label-then FOMO that got me to apply to all those Ontario schools. This is but one example.

I’m not against any of the above. And I don’t regret the choices I’ve made (more or less). I’m simply hyper aware of the times when I’ve gone against my inner knowing and made a choice that perhaps I shouldn’t have.

It is here in this space, this space of not listening to my gut where I waved away the urge to do that thing I felt I will die if I just don’t do.

And yet? I don’t do it. I convince myself that those feelings will subside, as they often do, though subside does not mean they go away. They are there, lost and forgotten, adrift in the depths of my being: untethered. I fear that the more we ignore our urges, our instincts, the more mistrust we create in ourselves and the further we move away from our true calling. Our truest nature. Those once strong urges and feelings lost. Faint. So dull they do not shed any light.

Until one day you’re on the floor crying the good cry not fully understanding why. Fed up. Tired. Wanting something to change, to shift, wanting the floor to open up and swallow you whole. Or as often is the image that floats in my mind: collapse into yourself until you disappear into some unknown dimension.

But I don’t do anything about it.

Until I do.

Or, until I open my eyes up once more and see what I have manifested. In particular: the people I happen upon who share with me just what I need to hear. Cue Emily.

And through our conversation, a little switch went off in me. The switch from ‘stuck’ to ‘unstuck’. The energy free flowing. My cup runneth over. Plans are forming, ideas are churning.

And the quiet urges and feelings begin to provide some inner guidance. Their light growing ever stronger. Like a beacon in the darkest night.

I dare not share what it is I am up to. But I do dare to trust in me.

Eyes wide open.



    • September 23, 2016 / 8:13 AM


  1. Henry van der Sluis
    September 22, 2016 / 10:58 AM

    Good Post Julia-we can discuss when next I see you. Makes me take note of all the “stuck” areas in my life.

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